Last year, Chris and I made the decision to set our own agenda aside so that we could help care for my mom in her final days, supporting my dad and others around us in that time.
We did very little in regards to caring for our own home, our own property, even ourselves as a couple, as individuals. Projects went unfinished. There was no free time. Weekends were either spent with my parents, or visiting Chris’ family an hour and a half away.
We had very little time for ourselves. And it was exhausting.
To those who have been caregivers far longer than the months that I had with Mom, I grieve with you. It is not an easy life.
For the sake of the person you love, you choose to lose your selfishness. You give up on your own desires for a time and you give all you have in order to drink in the memories that you can still make. You do all you can to make your loved one comfortable and dignified in the final steps of their journey on this earth.
My mother left this world in September.
Slowly, slowly, Chris and I have been re-learning what it is to live our own lives again.
We have begun to say no to things to ensure that we have time for our own rest, our own family time, our own time as a couple. We can slowly wrap up projects around the house, and begin to pursue new endeavors.
In the years that Mom had cancer, we both gained a newer perspective on life. It became much easier for us to see what was important.
Do the dishes need to be cleaned and put away, or do we spend the evening with people we love? Dishes always lost; there will always be dirty dishes anyway.
We carry this perspective with us still. People are our center. We don’t let a dirty house stop us from seeking the company of others. I even had to reassure my oldest of this the other day.
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“Mom, I need to mop and wash the windows, Pastor will want to see the sparkly clean house! We need it so nice for her!”
“Pastor isn’t coming to see our house. She is coming to see us. It is okay if we are not perfect. We invite her to where we are at and don’t need to hide that.”
We are not so focused on making big, bold memories. A simple walk around the neighborhood. A drive to the mall. A walk downtown. Sometimes that means a quiet weekend at home, where we don’t really accomplish much. And sometimes that’s frustrating to see projects remain unfinished.
But we continue on, and we brush off the buzzing stress that tells us it is necessary to worry about these things. It is not. Life is more.
I took some time this afternoon to re-read some passages from a book I read last summer, as we approached Mom’s final days on earth.
God has not promised to spare us from earthly death. But he has conquered it in Christ—death does not have the power to separate us from his love.
— J. Todd Billings, Rejoicing in Lament
Today we celebrate that Jesus died, taking on our sins. He spent 3 days in hell, battling for our souls, defeating death and rising from the dead.
It is in this resurrection that I find hope. Despite my current pain, my loss, my sorrow, there is hope. Hope that I will see Mom again. Hope that I will see many others again. Hope that someday this present suffering will no longer be necessary, as Jesus will be declared the uncontested king of all.
He is our rescuer.